This is the title of my book y'all. It has been begging for years to come out and I can't hold it in any longer. Read my intro and then join my waitlist.
This book is for you if you’re stuck in, getting out of, or free from an unhealthy relationship. Or if you are ready to do what it takes to have a healthy relationship. I wish someone had sat me down and told me all of these truths when I was stuck and going through separation.
For the sake of simplicity, but not to oversimplify or limit the dynamics of relationships of this type, I will use the structure of the woman being the empath and the man being the narcissist. Of course, it can be reversed or same sex. So if this dynamic applies to you, please know that it is NOT limited to the gender I’m presenting.
Also, you might think that you need to know for sure if you’re with a narcissist. That word gets tossed around a lot and the truth is, it really doesn’t matter. If you feel anxious most of...
What does it mean to have a broken heart? It hurts to breathe. I don't know about you but it goes in cycles between anger, sadness, confusion, and peace. Especially when there's infidelity or any kind of abuse involved.
Maybe you know logically that you did the right thing by removing yourself from an unhealthy relationship but your heart hasn't gotten the message. How do you sit with the hurt and the longing to reconnect? And then comes the internal conversation: What's wrong with me? Am I ever gonna get this right? Did I make a mistake? Maybe I should've tried harder. Maybe he/she will change. I should give him/her another chance, etc.
You consider yourself an intelligent person who is good at sensing someone's vibes and yet you find yourself acting like a crazy weak person and being wrong about someone's intentions. It just doesn't line up. I'm here to help you make sense of all of the conflicting messages.
You have 2 variables here. You and the person in the relationship. Pretty...
WHY WHY WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM?????
All we hear about the virus is, "Don't get exposed. Wash your hands. Stay home. Wear a mask. Wear gloves. Stay safe.....etc."
WHY is NO ONE telling us to GET OUR BODIES AND MINDS HEALTHY??? I just don't get it.
We're not talking about our sugar, alcohol, and nicotine addiction. Funny how fast food, liquor stores, and tobacco stores never closed but gyms, spas, and churches did.
What about the huge rise in domestic violence, child abuse, depression, anxiety, and suicide? What about QUALITY OF LIFE??
What about the people WHO ARE DYING because the ECONOMY IS TANKING?? What percentage is that?
WHY ISN'T THIS STUFF MAKING HEADLINES??
We have so many people living in daily fear of dying from the corona virus when we have a 3.4% chance of that happening! I don't get it!
Why aren't we talking about how this affects children? Children need touch and connection. They're learning that touching and interacting are bad for you....
Have you ever had a moment of clarity/an epiphany/a realization that is immediately replaced by pure gripping fear? What the hell is going on here? Don't we crave clarity? Not so much. I believe we get closer to accepting our truth layer by layer. We dip just a big toe at first until we're ready to plunge our whole bodies.
What is the very visceral fear all about? It's super deep; I know that much. That's why denial is such a compelling coping mechanism. Lying to ourselves and others about the truth is so much easier than holding the truth. Holding the truth would mean going to the depths of our soul and extracting the pain from the root. No thanks.
I had a moment recently where I felt extreme relief for speaking my truth following by a moment of gripping fear. In trying to understand why I was having an internal battle, I discovered that it takes courage to get to the root of my fear. I would rather lie to myself than risk upsetting the apple cart/the status quo.
"You are not the victim. You need to change the victim vs. perpetrator dynamic or you'll continue to be disempowered."
This is what my therapist told me after I told her all the terrible things my ex husband did to me. What the actual f*uck?? Was it not me who was locked in the bathroom with my husband at the time banging on the door and cussing me? Was it not me who got her fingers jammed when he wrangled my phone out of them and smashed the phone in the driveway? Was it not me who was threatened to be charged with abandonment and foreclosed on if I left? Was it not me who was dependent on him to feed, clothe, and shelter my children?
How was I NOT the victim? Over the years, I've had many clients say the same thing to me. I get it. Women get together and vent about how their men mistreat them. They bond in their commiseration. They give each other advice. They don't follow it. Rinse, lather, repeat.....
So what gives? What I've come to think over the years is this: sometimes, you...
Don't you think that if we could master the cat and mouse game, we'd master relationships? Aren't relationships simply combinations of time together and time apart? Do you know ANYONE who doesn't have issues regarding being intimate and being alone, navigating the whole push/pull dynamic. Yeh, me neither....
What if you could get super close to someone and experience complete trust, unconditional love, and a feeling of security and safety AND not take their boundaries personally and be able to communicate directly and openly about your needs, and encourage the ones you love to take care of themselves too and realize their goals? What an idea!
That, my friends, is called "secure attachment". I don't know anyone who has all of that. Some of it, yes, but not all. Want to know why? We're going to have to dive deep to answer that.
You've heard of attachment patterns but what you might not realize is that these patterns are established very early on so they run deep and might...
You know the Serenity Prayer? Here's my take on it: Is this my shit? If yes, can I do something about it? If no, can I accept it? There's another option in there that we choose all the time, mostly unconsciously. It's this: This is not my shit and I can't do anything about it but I will obsess over it and give it all my life energy and wish and pray and hope and try to change this thing that I simply cannot. This is the realm of suffering.
If only we had the wisdom to KNOW what we should be putting our valuable energy into and what we shouldn't. If only we could ACCEPT the cold hard truth about things we wish were different and how we're powerless when we fool ourselves into thinking we have power. It is so complex to be stuck in no man's land.
I'll give you an example. You find yourself in a relationship with someone who believes that love equals pain. Relationships inevitably end in heartbreak and grief and there's no such thing as forever. They believe that the solution to...
I originally wrote this blog in 2016 when I started my apprenticeship at the Posture Studio. It still applies.....enjoy!
You think it's hard to change the way you think? Try changing the way you BREATHE! Or stand, or sit, or walk, or move. I've recently been apprenticing under a posture MASTER. You know how when you watch a master musician play their instrument and it looks like they're channeling some kind of cosmic energy? It's like that when I watch my mentor teach. You see, I love being a perpetual student. When I'm with her, I feel like a sponge and I soak up all her amazing knowledge that she's sharing with me. There's always a next level of knowledge and learning keeps us vibrant and growing all the time.
Anyway, I'm incredibly grateful that this woman has taken me under her wing and here's what I know so far. Every thing I've been conditioned to do physically with my group exercise and personal training certifications is OPPOSITE of what she's teaching me now. Can you...
Did you know that your energy matters more than anything else? Do you know how powerful energy is? Have you heard of people getting sick based on their fears alone? Have you heard of people healing based on their faith alone?
Why do we let other people's energy toxify our own? First of all, we might not recognize that other people are merely projecting their fears onto us and that we're internalizing it. We might recognize it, but we're still not able to NOT take it personally. I have a true solution for you.
When your energy gets polluted, you know the feeling. Something is said or done, you make an association, your nervous system gets triggered, and you're off to the races or down the rabbit hole or off the rails, etc. Now what?
Usually, we scramble at this point. We want back on the rails and out of the rabbit hole but we physiologically cannot get ourselves "clean" again or solid or grounded. So we try to wish the bad feeling away. We apply logic. We talk to ourselves. We...
How did we ever get sold on the idea that we could always have good days and always have good relationships and always be clear headed and say and do all the right things? And why do we make ourselves wrong for feeling down or for saying the wrong thing? How did we come to accept the standard of perfection in all things? What happened to our margin for error?
Don't we know that we need the darkness to have the light? That polarity and contrast create passion? We spend time judging ourselves and others. I have an updated attitude about the dark side. Instead of expecting it to be gone and spending my energy trying to prevent its presence and then feeling like I failed, now I simply acknowledge it and go one step further. I accept its presence because I know that it will pass and really good stuff like clarity, inspiration, wisdom, and creativity are on the other side. I forgive myself for not being "perfect". I once heard that perfection is the lowest standard. I love that.