How to Love Your Self

anxiety attachment denial fear healing relationships self love Apr 22, 2021

When women are struggling in relationships, people say, "You should love yourself first before you can have a healthy relationship." You've heard it 1,000 times. What does that actually mean and HOW THE HELL DOES ONE DO THAT??

Do inner child work. Heal your abandonment wound. Do shadow work. Um, what?

I'll let you in on a secret about "girl talk". Here's how it goes:

Girl 1: My man is an asshole. He did ________ to me. 

Girl 2: That's toxic. He's a narcissist. Girl, you deserve better. Kick him to the curb. Next...

Girl 1: (To herself: I know I should dump him, but I can't let him go. Now I won't talk to this friend about this anymore because she'll judge me as being weak and pathetic.) Says out loud: You're right. I need to get out of this relationship.

If you're like me, you're SO TIRED OF THIS. You're tired of feeling ashamed to admit to your friends that you're still with him or that you got back together with him. You're tired of feeling bad about yourself for feeling attached and not taking action. But you're stuck.

Here's what else you'll find out there about self care when you're feeling like shit stuck in a less than nurturing relationship:

  • Meditate. Ok, that felt nice for a minute but now what?
  • Take a bath. Ok, that felt nice for a minute, but what the hell do I do with this gaping hole in my heart and this feeling of emptiness and brokenness and hopelessness?
  • Rub oil on yourself. What the hell?

I've been there over and over and I'm here to tell you what has worked with me and with my clients.

Here's what it takes:

  • You need to sit down and FEEL your feelings. I know, this is the last thing you want to do but once you do it, you'll realize it's not actually that terrible.
  • You need to cultivate self love. I know when I used to be alone, I would feel lonely and hollow. Why would I want to spend time with that?
  • You need to develop some skills. This includes honoring your gut, speaking your truth, and taking action based on energy.

I've been on a quest to heal this stuff and love my self, but I couldn't find something that felt real and applicable so I invented it myself. I call this trick "life hacking". I've found a way to do this that doesn't feel so airy fairy and separated from reality.

First of all, women: STOP telling other women to just dump a guy. No one listens to advice and all you're doing is ostracizing your friends. Talk to your friend about THEMSELVES and WHY they can't let go. THAT is the important stuff.

Get into EMOTIONS. They're not so scary if you give them the time of day. Hint: your friend is scared. She feels unworthy. She takes a mans' actions/words personally. 

Dig to the root of that and get her to see that his issues have NOTHING to do with her. Read that again. That's huge.

Talk to your friend about HER. What does she want? What is she afraid of? Where did that come from? Have compassion. Give her support and love.

That's first. Now, practice tuning in to your gut voice. This is the quiet one. It's wise and strong but not loud. It's not your fear voice. Learn to tell the difference and to tune in.

Write it down. Ask yourself the questions to tease out the answers. 

Practice speaking it out loud. What is your gut telling you?

Do an experiment and take action based on your gut. See what happens. Collect evidence. Strengthen this muscle.

Imagine you have a life guide. It leads you with this: Assess everything in terms of energy. Does this relationship/job/house/outfit GIVE you energy or TAKE your energy? If it takes your energy, release it. If it gives you energy, do it more.

Try that. See what happens. 

When something is new/foreign/unknown to us, it's uncomfortable. We don't like that. Recognize this discomfort as GROWTH. We're simply strengthening weak muscles. It's uncomfortable and that's OK.

Schedule a consult with me to learn more.

Much love,


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