Life Hack for Suffering 👊Jun 23, 2021
What if you could HACK YOUR LIFE? Like, truly understand what exactly is going wrong, why, and how you can redirect the train.
I talked with a client recently and as I was listening to her story of how she is impatient waiting for her man to finalize his divorce and make plans to merge his family with hers, I realized that I was, at first, buying her story and I was going to ask her questions about why his divorce is taking so long, etc.
And then I recognized a pattern that I have fallen into as have lots of my clients: we have a gap between WHAT IS and WHAT WE THINK IT SHOULD BE. And to live in that gap is TO SUFFER.
There are all kinds of reasons WHY we make up a story about what should be and believe in it 100% and we focus on it, talk about it, feel about it, lose sleep about it, etc. We might be Type A and are used to setting goals and achieving them. We might mistake slow progress for no progress and fear that we're running in circles, getting stuck, repeating patterns, etc. We might believe that if we don't push for something, we'll never get what we want. We really can drive ourselves crazy.
I realized that I didn't buy her story and that her buying her story was keeping her in a state of suffering. Really. We make up stories in our heads and then we buy into them hook, line, and sinker.
So instead, I asked her questions about WHY she wanted his divorce to be finalized and to live together, why that meant so much to her, what she thought those things would give her, what she was trying to prevent from happening, what she was worried about happening, what she was afraid of, etc.
And we uncovered that she really wants security because her last relationship felt very unsure. She believed that him finalizing his divorce and moving in with her would be a sign of his solid commitment and then she would feel secure about her relationship.
Her need for security manifested in her asking him lots of questions about why things were moving so slowly, etc. His response was to get frustrated and defensive.
I got her to see the story that she was believing: I will feel secure if he shows that he is fully committed to our relationship by doing x, y, and z.
When we can detach from our stories, (which by the way isn't easy because there are lots of emotions and deep patterns connected with our stories and we are attached to the familiarity of them and the false feeling of protection we get from believing them), we can see that our story is limited in scope and is limiting us.
I asked her: What if everything is happening at exactly the right time?
What if you pushing your agenda is actually slowing things down?
What if you told your man: Take all the time you need.
What if your need for security isn't filled by him?
What if you were 100% ok with how things are RIGHT NOW?
What if you focused on what you CAN control and lived YOUR best life?
What if the TRUTH was that you can become aware of your needs, communicate them, and work on yourself?
Then we can pick a new story, one that's true and that empowers us. Mind blowing, I know 😉
Want more life hacks? Check out coaching with me ❤
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