What does it mean to have a broken heart? It hurts to breathe. I don't know about you but it goes in cycles between anger, sadness, confusion, and peace. Especially when there's infidelity or any kind of abuse involved.
Maybe you know logically that you did the right thing by removing yourself from an unhealthy relationship but your heart hasn't gotten the message. How do you sit with the hurt and the longing to reconnect? And then comes the internal conversation: What's wrong with me? Am I ever gonna get this right? Did I make a mistake? Maybe I should've tried harder. Maybe he/she will change. I should give him/her another chance, etc.
You consider yourself an intelligent person who is good at sensing someone's vibes and yet you find yourself acting like a crazy weak person and being wrong about someone's intentions. It just doesn't line up. I'm here to help you make sense of all of the conflicting messages.
You have 2 variables here. You and the person in the relationship. Pretty simple right? No not at all actually. I believe that understanding the psychology of behavior is enlightening. Let me see if you relate to this: you consider yourself a trusting, open, loving, kind, caring, smart person who sees the good in others. You get involved with someone and you believe in them. You see the potential for improvement and you want to help. And so you give and give and give. And the other person is attracted to your light, to your open heart, and your giving soul.
And little by little, you find yourself being tested. You get triggered. You work hard to get clarity and to regulate yourself. You try hard to communicate solutions. Rinse, lather, and repeat. And then one day, after you've reached the same place many times, you think about what life would be like without them. And a deep, wise part of yourself tells you that you'll be bigger and brighter and your life will be richer and more free if you lost the weight of the other person. And finally you do it.
And the more time you have building your life without the person, the better and stronger and brighter you feel. You start to notice how it feels when someone contributes to your energy rather than brings your energy down. You're still confused so here is the main message of this blog: heart break happens but you get to decide what it means about YOU. The facts: the person you love broke your trust. The meaning could be that you are a lousy picker, that people always betray you, that you got burnt for trusting people, that you're going to be lonely, etc. OR it could mean that you knew the truth in your gut but because you would rather avoid conflict and because you see the good in people and the potential and you're hopeful, you compromise and stay.
It could simply mean that you have another opportunity to learn and practice self love, truly embodying your self worth, trusting your gut AND acting on it (setting boundaries), and seeing realistically that some people feel SAFE with unavailable love. No one DID anything TO YOU. You got caught up in a web of unresolved trauma and hurt and dysfunctional coping mechanisms.
The point is, YOU get to choose what the facts mean to you so you might as well choose an empowering option.
I've learned so much from being in relationships. I've learned that you can heal while you're rolling around in the mess. Learning about why you do what you do and why others do what they do is part of the healing process.
I'll tell you about some resources that have been helpful for me. If you want to know more about codependency, I recommend reading Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody. If you want to understand more about attachment theory, I recommend reading Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. If you want to understand the psychology of addiction, I recommend going to Al-Anon meetings and reading the literature. If you want to work through your own hurt, I recommend EMDR therapy. Read up about narcissism. Do your work.
And when you're ready, spread your wings and fly. The ones who can handle all of you are right around the corner.
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